No, no. It wasn't what you think. He is one of my best friends, and last night, an updated status on Facebook sparked a conversation on IM. The conversation made me teary-eyed for a moment, because we barely talk these days. (Well, it's more like Jeff doesn't talk anymore and I don't listen to him ramble about something silly, throwing some giggles in there every once in a while!) God! I miss him! He moved an hour and a half north of that place a few moments before I moved an hour and a half south of it. Life. It is hard to balance friends, bills, homework, and responsibilities. I can't help but to blame myself for us not talking a lot anymore.
We hated that place. Always dreaming of the day, we could escape it. But now when I think of Sunday nights about three years ago, Fort Payne wasn't all that bad. Those summer nights, the air that we breathed seemed so innocent. Lauren and Jeff would play hot-hands in the middle of the street in front of Justin's house and I sat close enough to the grass that with one scoot backwards I could be out of the road. It seemed as if Lauren and Jeff would sit in the middle of the road just to wait on Monday, and I would be waiting on a car to come.
Last night, he said, "You should see me now. You saw me at a bad time, and were there for me. I love you, Ang. I miss you. I was such a horrible person. I am what I wanted to be, and I've made a way for myself."
It's been a little over a year since those nights when we would have sleep overs. I would listen to him talk of her and their situation. I wanted to punch someone, but I didn't. I just listened until I fell asleep. When I would wake, there was my best friend slobbering on my pillow, his beautiful, shaggy hair stuck to the side of his face like a child. It was adorable, but he was lost... I was lost too, in that town.
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Crazy Eye was the second guy to sleep in my bed, and he was a douche.
No, no. It wasn't that innocent. My bed had been in Birmingham for two weeks, and I had lost my innocents elsewhere. I was thrown into full-blown maturity in a matter of a night and 351 miles. College, proving I could make it without my parents. This was my time to find myself and figure out what it meant to be an adult. Lauren came from Fort Payne to visit Alma, the roomie, and me . We decided to do something crazy. Crazy Eye came to the club; I have heard his real name millions of times from Lauren; I heard a lot of things added to his name, for instance, slut; I had never carried on a conversation with him but he started drunkenly speaking to me. He had a crazy eye but, eh, whatever. He came back to the apartment that night. The next morning he left to meet his friends down the road without saying goodbye. I thought that was it, and it didn't bother me, at all. Yes, I did it! But then he came through my front door again and said, "You didn't think I left without saying bye, did you?" Yes. I did. However, I just shrugged my shoulders. As Alma and Lauren began to notice that Crazy Eye and I were spending more and more time together, they warned me, "Angel, be careful. I don't want you to get hurt." What they didn't understand was I wanted to prove to myself that I could do adult things and not be childish about it (i.e. getting attached.)
A month later, it was my birthday. I was excited. I wasn't convinced if I wanted to invite Crazy Eye or his ex-best friend to my birthday party. I kind of wanted to go with the ex-best, but unfortunately, the ex-best left the state the same weekend. So, Crazy Eye it was. Ugh!
There we were in the street in and around his car. "So, you know since I came all of the way back from Sylacauga for this at least you can do is pay my way in here." (He came all of the way back for an Auburn game, not for me...)
"NO! It's my birthday."
"Why? You asked me to come."
"You're a dick. You're using me."
"Oh my God! I knew it! Your fucking friends are feeding you bullshit. blah blah blah. I don't want a girlfriend. I told you that. And you call me a dick. A dick!"
"What is wrong dating?" I screamed. (Dating to me means no strings, but where the guy pays my way into the club... on my birthday.)
"I knew it! You like me!" His self-confidence pissed me off...
"No I don't! You're stupid! I'm still in love with my ex, you idiot!"
"Blah, blah, blah. More stupid shit. I don't need anyone Angel. I don't need a girlfriend! I don't need you! I don't need my mom! I don't need my dad! I can sleep in my car!" He yanked the seat of his car in recline mode so fast that I was impressed with his speed. Then he looked at me (I think) with anger in his eyes. "SEE!" he yelled like a child. "If I was such a dick, I would have left that morning and never talked to you again just like every other guy would have done!" I should have wanted to punch him right then, but I didn't.
The fight lasted 3 hours. The last hour lasted in the middle of the street in front of my apartment. The cops came, and laughed at his dramatics. I gave him his toothbrush and never saw him again. I didn't want to punch him until a few weeks later when my roommate told me that he slept with her friend Grocery Store Feet the weekend before my birthday. I wanted to punch them both. I wanted to punch him because I had went to get him that night because he was high on cocaine and couldn't drive. Grocery Store Feet bitched the whole way telling me I should forget him. She wanted to get high or something with these creeps from the club that she brought back to my apartment. -_- When she saw him for the first time, she made fun of his crazy eye. I took up for him. -_- The next day while I took him back to his car... -_-... he said, "Did you see your friend's grocery store feet? They were gross!" She wasn't my friend, but when I got back, she sure as hell pretended that she was as she continued to make fun of his eye. Somewhere in amongst of all of that making fun of each other, they had sex while under the same roof as me. I wanted to punch him when I found out because I was actually thinking about texting him to apologize and offering my friendship (because it was obvious that he had some serious issues going on in his head and could have used a true friend.) I wanted to punch them, but I didnt.
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"I punched a guy in the face for making fun of you at Justin's and nearly knocked him out with no warning. I really have this protective thing about you that I feel like will last forever..." Jeff continued to say last night. He punched a guy for the same reason that Crazy Eye insinuated that every guy was going to walk away from me. I have Cerebral Palsy.
You know, Jeff wants me to see him now, and how far he has came from the boy that I knew in that town. I want him to see how far I have came myself. Moving from Fort Payne to Birmingham proved that I am capable of being independent, and on some level, I'm not disabled like millions of "not friends" have crammed into my head. My friends are here because they love me and care enough to protect me. I don't feel unworthy anymore like I did in that town that infected my mind with immature thoughts. Thoughts of suicide that my friends don't really know about, but it is my friends like Jeff that kept me here, making me smile and giggle. Not those "friends" like Crazy Eye or Grocery Store Feet. I don't have room for those kinds of people in my life. The kind of people that need to be punched, that I know would have been punched if Jeff would have been around at the time...
I am what I wanted to be, and I've made a way for myself. Most of all, though, I want to show Jeff how far I have came from that little girl that got so upset when people made her feel less than. I am now this woman whom those remarks, such as If I was such a dick, I would have left that morning and never talked to you again just like every other guy would have done!, do not phase me emotionally at all anymore. I want to show him that I am no longer that girl that sat close to the grass, in fear. I know he wants to show me how far he has come from the boy who slobbered on my pillow. The thing is I always knew he would find his way. I never really thought I would find mine.
How am I going to show Jeff how far I've come? Well, I think I will just sit with him in the middle of the street waiting on Monday.
2 comments:
ohhh, angel. and you continue to make me cry. i <3 you
This is beautiful, and so are you. I love you and I'm so glad to call you my bffe!!
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