a world without muffins?

What did she mean?

Maddie, the woman who gave to birth to my muffin, said that I inspired her to start a blog. "I am going to write my first one tomorrow [today] in honor of Stephen's birthday. I'm going to call it 'choice' and it is going to be about my decision to keep him."

Wait, what?
What did she mean?

Does that mean what I think it means? Did I almost not have a muffin? Who's Muffin? Remember in the previous post when I told Crazy Eye that I was still in love with my ex. Muffin is the ex... and today is his birthday.

Muffin.... I don't know where I would be without him. I am not sure what she meant by what she said; I don't think I want to think about that. She was young when she had him, but if she didn't keep him, he wouldn't be the person that he is today. Life is nothing less than a puzzle, and all of the pieces fall together one by one from the moment we take our first breath.

I don't know how he does it, but he calms me. I am one high-strung individual. Any disturbance in my life's pond of order... the wake drives me crazy. One word from him and everything is still again. I thought I would never have that again, and I was preparing myself for a life of waves. But I saw him again.

14 hour trip; I was going to let go. I was going to make peace, and let go. 13 hours and 40 minutes in, he sent me a message asking me if I was nervous and I said no. I spent a year and a half on edge because life just didn't make sense without him. And with each mile of that long trip, all of the waves stilled. And, I remember thinking, should I be nervous that I'm not nervous? When I first laid eyes on him again, he was in the distance walking down the sidewalk, I turned away, looking down at my feet trudging through the snow. (I hate snow. I hate cold. I wasn't cold though. I was near him.) I couldn't look at him. It was too calming. If I was there to let go, I didn't need bask in the calmness. I tried to stay focused on Jon, his brother- my roomie- as much as I could... but then we were alone and all I had to focus on was all of Muffin's equipment or him.

He sat on the couch adjacent to me and stared at me. I glanced at him, but then I found myself constantly looking away. "Sorry, I just need to look at you for a minute." He did, while my eyes bounced all over the place. "Come sit by me." He patted the cushion beside him. I reluctantly concurred. "Angel, I am sorry. I was just confused," he began to cry and in the moments where I would look straight into his beautiful eyes, I would have almost bet that his tears would be stained green from the high concentration of pigment of his pupils. I turned away so he wouldn't see me cry. I needed to be calmed. I just took his hand into mine and cried on his shoulder. When we decided that it was time for me to go, he hugged me goodbye at the opening of my car door for what felt like days. And I had every intention of letting go....

but on the car ride home, each mile was like a pebble in a lake, and I realized that I never let go, nor did I want to let go.


What if Maddie made a different "choice"? What if I never laid eyes on my calm sea? and what if today was just another day to me? What if there was a world without muffins?

That question sends a tidal wave in my direction.