mattresses and pillows.

I am scared.

Today, Tornadoes ripped through Alabama killing, destroying lives. Just like the one in my brain. I can't sleep. The thunder and lightening from voices and images of bad things flash, roar through my brain. Rain falling from my eyes. I am scared.

"OMG, Angel, are you okay? There's a tornado in Downtown!" Christina frantically texted me.
"Yes, I am." My phone wouldn't send or call. I didn't even know if she received it.
"Do you have a basement?"
"No."
"I should have told you to come here, but I didn't know about any tornadoes!" she continued. "Cover yourself with a mattress or a bunch of pillows."


Christina, my first college friend. We're a lot alike. Emotional, scared. We feel as if we need to protect ourselves from being hurt. Emotionally. A few weeks ago, we were sitting in my car, talking about her new found feelings for her best friend, something that I know a lot about with Muffin. "On the trip, something clicked. I realized I love him, and I am scared." Scared of losing him, scared of the hurt.

"Dude, this is so awesome!" Alma said with excitement in her voice. "This isn't the smartest thing for me to stand on, huh? It is metal." She was standing outside on a metal box, lightening crashing all around.
"No!" I shook my head in disapproval.
"Let's go chase it. I want to see this! This is so exciting. Come with me!"
"No!" Was she serious? Chasing a tornado!? 
"Come on! I'm going!"

I didn't want to go, and I was repeating "No, no, no, no" all the while I was walking to the car. I do that a lot. My brain says one thing, my body does another. So, that brings me to where I am now. It is 5 a.m. Scared, and crying with a mattress and a mountain of pillows around my heart. Drawing a wedge between me and the man I love so much it is scary. Why? Guilt. Guilt that has building and building for the last four months, and every time that I mentioned it, it would be glossed over with "I love you." Like our love makes everything okay. But everything isn't okay, when paranoia takes over my brain every time my phone rings from an unknown number, wondering if it is her, if she knows, if she is going to hurt him, if she is going to hurt us, like "she" hurt me before. He's tired of the mattress and the tear-soaked pillows. I can tell, and I'm scared.

I weathered the storm, and chased it even though I was scared. I turned out okay. And many families lost homes, loved ones. I don't know what today will look like. I hope I don't lose my home or my loved one to this storm brewing in my head. I am just scared.

Maybe tomorrow will be beautiful.